Making Mommy Friends

If you're anything like me, you've asked yourself this question more than once:

Why is it so dang hard to find mommy friends?

     Sure - I meet other moms. We occasionally arrange a play-date. We commiserate online or via text when the need arises. We run into each other and chat for five minutes. But finding mommy friends who "get" me - women who can give me companionship outside of just getting the kids together, moms that understand my need for a break occasionally, that I know will give me a shoulder to cry on in a "judgement-free" zone, who will happily shop with me or go for drinks or dessert ...

Finding a mom like that is akin to finding a diamond amidst a mountain of rubble.

     

     I think part of the struggle in finding "mom" friends is the fact that most mothers' lives are hectic. We barely have time to shower in the morning, let alone plan for time alone with another mom. But how important is it for us to have that "quality time" with a good friend? Do we as mommies need to get away?

Yes.

So why does it seem so hard to make friends once you're a mommy?

Here's the thing: During high school or even college, you make friends based on common interests. These friends are amazing, because you do things together, and they speak to your soul.

But then life happens.

You have kids.

In my case, you have kids at a REALLY young age, and NONE of your friends have kids.

     I went through a phase where my high school/college friends didn't fully understand this new phase of my life. We didn't have nearly as much in common. I had responsibilities that prevented me from going out nearly as often, or spending money as frivolously. I couldn't just focus on "me." Everything I did had to take my children into consideration.

     But mommies tend to have difficulty making time for themselves. They don't get out as often as single women without children. And many times, they have an even harder time separating from their roles as mothers.

     Even worse, after having a kid, I quickly realized most of the mommies out there weren't my age. In many cases, they were ten or more years older than me, married for many years, and were turned off and completely disinterested in making a much-younger friend.

    

 I found myself in an awkward predicament.

How did I make "mommy" friends??

     There's no easy answer to that question. In my case, it was trial and error. You go out with a mom, and if you find yourself talking about your kids for two hours, but facing awkward silences whenever you start talking about yourselves, you accept that you probably won't be BFFs that get each other on a soul-to-soul level, and you move on.

     

     Eventually you'll find a mom that understands you and has a lot in common with you. And you'll hang onto that mom with both hands. Because those friends are few and far between.

    I still struggle to find mommy friends. It's not easy for me, especially because my natural instinct is to shy away from social encounters where I don't know anybody. I'm not somebody who feels comfortable making small-talk. I put out feelers and get hurt when I don't get a response, and worse, I over-analyze the responses I do get.

     

     But I've come to terms with one interesting truth that HAS made it somewhat easier: 

making mommy friends is a LOT like dating.

I mean a LOT.

Let's look at the facts:

-You schedule "play-dates" to get to know each other.

And just like real dates, sometimes you get blown off.

Other times you get together and realize you aren't compatible with the mom in question.

Worse, sometimes you experience the mommy equivalent of "unrequited" affection, or basically a desire for friendship that the other mom doesn't feel.

-It's all about compatibility.

And just like in the dating world, it's all about knowing how to play the game.

If you come on too strong, you can scare a potential mommy friend away.

If you don't call or text enough, you will be perceived as cold, or disinterested.

Moreover, you'll meet some really nice moms that you'll come to accept just don't have that "thing" you're looking for in a close friend.

-There will always be "that mom:" Miss/Mrs. Popular that everyone flocks to, and you instinctively want to hate because they make juggling motherhood and individuality look so darn easy.

No matter what you do, you will never seem to compare. So stop trying.

I don't care how much effort you make, more than likely you'll never become close with that mom - she has about a zillion friends, and you'll always just be one of many options.

This mom is the equivalent to the high-school quarterback in the dating world. Everybody wants to be "with" her. I don't know why. Don't ask. Just accept it.

-You'll inevitably go through "single" phases.

Your mommy friends will be busy, or traveling right when you need them most. Or maybe they'll have a new baby they're trying to adjust to. Maybe it's an unexpected out-of-state move. Whatever it is that causes your "single" state, accept that at some point in time, you'll feel like you've lost your closest mommy friend(s), or are just "alone."

The best thing you can do when you find yourself lacking in close mom friends is to put yourself out there, no matter how hard it seems. Go on play-dates. Insert yourself into group functions. If your close mommy friends are incredibly busy, or not in a place where they can give you time, it's better not to pester or resent them, but to try and find a new friend that can give you the emotional support you need.

     Bottom Line: There are ups and downs and ebbs and flows in mommy friendships. Unlike the friendships you make in high school and college, where you seem attached at the hip, moms get caught up in the whirlwind of school activities, housework, work schedules, and dating/marriage.

The sooner you come to terms with the reality of what having "mommy" friends will be like, the more successful your endeavors at these types of friendships will be.

Good Luck.

(Because you'll need it.)

(No, really.)