Competitive Moms Not Allowed

Moms. We're hard-wired to want the best for our children.

We want to see them shine.

We want them to feel loved and so incredibly special. 

And so we commit what I think is possibly one of the worst mommy crimes possible. We become that mom. The competitive one. We all know at least one of these mothers. They boast on social media about how their precious Francois is potty-trained and at ten months to boot! Attention all other mommies: bring on the insecurity.

These moms just can't wait to tell you about how smart their sweet little Brittany is, how she is writing her name already at two, asking oh-so-innocently whether you've begun teaching your little one how to write. After hanging out with them, you inevitably feel like your child is a total failure, you somehow have sub-par genes, and like you are quite possibly the world's worst mother. I mean, you'd have to be to send your child to Kindergarten without bouncy curls complete with a homemade bow in her hair. How could you have failed to cut her sandwich into the cutest little heart shape, or not seen the importance of the picture-perfect first day outfit, sure to make all other five-year olds wish they had a mom as awesome as you??

Newsflash: Nobody likes you, Competitive Mom.

I've always wanted to say that. Gee, thanks for raining on my parental parade with your not-very-subtle comparison of our children in which mine comes up lacking. Thanks for constantly gushing about how great life is and how perfect your child is, making me wonder if my in-house meltdowns with my toddler are a result of something I'm doing wrong or some personality disorder in my two-year old. 

In a world filled with mothers with so much self-doubt, insecurities about doing things right, and undeserved criticism over our methods of parenting, the last thing we mommies need is other moms making us feel like we are somehow failing because our kids aren't "up-to-speed" with theirs in one way or another.

I got sucked into a group of mommies like this early on in my mothering years. I showed up to a group play-date, and the topic of the day was early potty-training. After hearing about how the Queen Competitive Mommy's daughter was completely potty-trained at twenty-two months, I set out on a mission to achieve similar results. At eighteen months I had my daughter sitting on her mini-potty watching thirty minutes of "Elmo's Potty Time," waiting on edge, with bated breath for the sound of tinkling. We did this every day.

Three months later I had a hysterical child who hated Elmo's Potty Time, had a major meltdown at the very sight of a potty, and my nerves weren't just frayed, they were shattered.

What was I doing wrong?

Nothing.

Here's the thing about parenting and children that goes completely over competitive mom's head - 

Every child is different. Their needs are different, their development is different, and your parenting will have to adapt because of it.

I have two children and I have parented them in two different ways, because their personalities dictated altering my approach. Allowing yourself to get sucked into a game of comparison does nothing but put unnecessary stress on yourself as an evolving parent, and on your child, as a developing individual.

A few years has brought me the wisdom to understand -  Competitive Mommy is just as insecure as every other mother out there. She hides her fears in overachieving and bragging about her offsprings' accomplishments. But that doesn't make it okay, and it doesn't mean that I want to surround myself with that negativity.

So what can you do if you have a Competitive Mommy in your social circle?

Well, for starters, kill them with kindness. Knowing that Competitive Mommy is really just as insecure as you are, give her tons of encouragement and emotional support. Let her know that you think she's doing a great job.

Feel free to tell her politely that you don't like to compare your child to anyone else's, when she asks about where your little Megan is at developmentally or otherwise in comparison to hers.

Finally, if worse comes to worse - do like I did with the group of Competitive Mommies that were toxic to my emotional well-being as a parent and remove yourself from the equation. There are plenty of other moms out there who are eager for play-dates, companionship, and commiseration over their own fears. Honesty in any form of friendship is a beautiful thing, and if you can't find it in the midst of all the stifling overachieving, find someone who won't make you feel inadequate with your normalcy.

And if you're asking yourself if you ARE Competitive Mommy, it's not too late! You can change your MO and become supportive, honest about your day-to-day struggles as a mom, and encourage other moms to accept that they aren't perfect.

You can stop comparing your child to other kids out there.

Most importantly, you can become a better mom by letting go just a little bit. I promise you, your child will shine in their time with your love, attention, and encouragement.