(Cue angry music and elevated blood pressure.)
Why do I go in expecting a normal experience? You know, one where your child's vitals are tested, the doctor lets me ask whatever questions I need to in order to get my yearly build-up of worries out of my system, and makes sure my kids aren't suffering from some previously undiagnosed physical ailment or mental disability?
That doesn't happen.
When I go into the doctor's office, this is what I can generally expect:
-The nurse and/or doctor will talk to me like I'm a moron, insinuating that I don't know my children's rear ends from their heads.
-I will be treated as a liar when I fill out my child's progress chart and insist that yes, she can do the aforementioned activities.
-Finally, my children will be asked the dreaded question. The one that never fails to send me into a total rage.
"Do you feel safe in your home, honey?"
The nurse shot this question by my 3 year old.
First of all, because my child is three, and in a safe home, she doesn't even know what the heck you're talking about.
So of course, she got a blank look on her face. But because ALL attention was on her, cue the theatrics.
She smiled, and said, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." for about thirty seconds straight, leaving the nurse on the edge of her seat, waiting for the answer.
She proceeded to say "Nnnnn... um ... yuuuuuuuuhhhh..." as though deciding whether or not she felt safe.
No answer. So ... cue the leading questions.
Nurse: "Do you feel happy with mommy and daddy?"
(Response: Ummmmm...no.)
Me: (Fighting my temper) "Are you a silly girl?"
(Response: Yah! Giggle, giggle.)
Me: (Trying to prove a point now...)
"Do you want to live with mommy and daddy?"
(Response: Ummmm .... No.)
Me: "Oh really? Do you want to live in the zoo?"
(Response: NO. Giggle, giggle.)
Me: "Well then, where do you want to live?"
(Response: At home with just Lexi!)
At this point, the nurse had gotten my message, but just in case, I really drove it home by saying, "I'm sorry. I really don't think she understands your question. And sorry, Ellison, but you can't live at home alone with Alexa. That's called child negligence."
Way to go, NM healthcare, for trying to fix a big issue in society today with a totally worthless question.
Here's the problem, as I see it.
We are SO focused on the "safety" of children, that we are missing a few crucial details:
1. Most children who ARE being abused don't feel comfortable answering that sort of question honestly, especially in front of their parents.
2. The children who ARE in safe homes more than likely don't even understand your question, because we as parents generally try to ... you know ... shield our children from those unsavory truths about the world we live in. Especially when our children are three years old.
3. Even if a child did answer in the affirmative, most parents present are going to jump in with leading questions or uncomfortable jokes explaining away the response.
4. FINALLY ... most of your nurses are completely unprepared for a young child's response in the affirmative, especially if it happens in front of their parents. Do you really think Nurse Susie is going to take my three year old's word that she doesn't feel safe at home? Are you really that confident that she'll confront me on the issue, on the word of my child?
The truth (in my opinion,) is that asking this question, especially of young children, is a waste of time. Not to mention potentially insulting.
Do I have a fix for this problem? No. There are some telltale signs that a child is being abused, but domestic abuse is always going to be a difficult issue to resolve. But here is what I do know:
Asking children if they feel safe at home during a well-check visit isn't really a viable solution.
So just ... stop. Stop with the ridiculousness. Because if you asked my three year old child on a minute-to-minute basis how she "felt," about me and our home, you'd probably get varying answers, based on whether she got to paint with watercolors or pick the movie she was watching.
End Mommy Rant.
If you or someone you know has been abused, or needs help, here is a viable way you can get it:
Call the abuse hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE, or go here.
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