Let me start out by saying that this article is not for everyone.
If you looked at your baby the moment after she was born and thought to yourself, "This is love and I adore this child more than anyone I've ever adored before," well ... this article isn't for you.
If you lived your first weeks as a new mommy in a haze of happiness, this isn't for you.
If you slipped back into your pre-baby jeans before waltzing out of the hospital two days after delivering, baby in arm and beatific smile on your face, THIS ISN'T FOR YOU.
This article is for you other mommies.
You know, the ones who bawled their way through the first two weeks of caring for a new child that you could've sworn you were totally ready for.
The ones who nod with a dazed expression on their face when people say things like, "Isn't being a mom the best thing ever? Isn't it totally impossible to imagine your life without your new little man in it?"
Because here's the thing:
That was me.
After I had my first child, I lay there in my hospital bed, catheter in, feeling like I had just been hit by a semi.
Nobody prepared me for what waking up every 2 hours would feel like. (Let me clue you in - it's a slow, painful descent into insanity.)
I wasn't ready for the pain of attempting to breastfeed, for the feeling of being so much ... bigger than I used to be.
Everyone told me I would fit right back into my pre-baby clothes, because I was so tiny and all baby.
And NOONE, NOONE warned me that I might become depressed.
I'm not talking about being a little bummed because I was tired or overwhelmed.
I'm talking about being deeply depressed.
I'm talking about
Postpartum Depression.
The thing is that everyone gave me the fantasy version of motherhood.
I heard things like:
-You'll instantly fall in love with your new baby.
-It's so amazing and you'll never be able to imagine what your life would be like without them once they're in your arms.
-Motherhood is instinctual and you'll just "know what to do" when the time comes.
-The weight will just melt right off.
The problem is that this isn't necessarily true.
I love my children more than anything. But when both of them were born, I spent the first few months in a dazed state, trying to cope.
I didn't magically know what to do. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that motherhood is a learning process, a lesson in trial and error.
Despite being so tiny, I didn't fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes for a long time. And I never fit back into some of them.
Motherhood wasn't amazing for me at first. I experienced intense hormone withdrawals and severe depression as I struggled to understand what my life had become with the presence of a child, what my body looked like with the new addition of loose skin and stretch marks.
And most importantly ...
I didn't instantly fall in love with my baby.
I know.
What a terrifying concept.
Here was this little person that screamed all the time and needed me, and it was my job to magically figure out what those needs were.
I was sleep-deprived, hormone-deprived, and barely functioning.
I remember looking at my baby and thinking, "Why did I do this? And how do I make it stop?"
There was no magic moment where the Hallelujah Chorus began playing and I looked down upon my babe in utter wonder, unless you're counting the times when she fell asleep in my arms and I spent a brief moment thanking God for a break from it all before zonking out underneath her.
But lest you think I'm trying to scare you off from motherhood, let me give you the good news:
IT GETS BETTER.
Your baby starts sleeping more.
You eventually get back into a jean size you can live with.
The post-delivery pain goes away.
You adjust to the lack of hormones.
As your baby grows, you DO form that essential bond. You get to a point where you look at that precious bundle of joy and think, "I can't imagine my life without this child. I love her so much."
It just doesn't always happen at first sight.
I wish I'd honestly believed that what I was going through was normal, instead of convincing myself that something was wrong with me.
I am a great mother.
But postpartum depression had me thinking I was somehow a failure.
So if you're like me, struggling to make it through the day and wondering what you got yourself into and when things will get better, trust me when I say that motherhood is an adjustment.
It takes time to get used to a new baby. Give yourself that time.
Look into getting on some meds temporarily, until the hormone crash subsides.
And be patient with yourself.
Love and Blessings as you discover the joy of the journey of motherhood,
This
Blogging
Mommy
